Phallic Decapitant – The Chronicles Of Japanese Bear Dad

My first contact with Phallic Decapitant was at a local grind festival out here in central Florida. Myself and the fifteen other people that weren’t part of the bands that were there had a great deal of fun. Phallic Decapitant in particular was awesome, though not for any of the reasons that music should be awesome.

You see, the best word to describe Phallic Decapitant with is ‘retarded’. Phallic Decapitant are completely and utterly retarded on every conceivable level. If this band was a person, they would be laying in bed drooling on themselves and doing nothing else. Of course, the fact is that Phallic Decapitant plays goregrind, where retarded is the best possible adjective to use! In fact, I’m sure that the band would only take it as a compliment if you called them all complete fucking retards. So it is in that very spirit that you should listen to ‘Chronicles Of Japanese Bear Dad’, because, in addition to being retarded, it’s hilarious as well.

The music here is generally in the style of early Cock And Ball Torture/Gut with more perceptible straight-up death metal influence. The attitude is all goregrind though: the songs are packed with samples from the most awesome origins (fan favorites: ‘Borat’, ‘Super Mario Brothers’, and ‘Major Payne’), and the drum machine’s (played via iPod live, the source of many jokes) classic gore-polka beats straight out of ‘Cocktales’. There are actual riffs, though, and even some good ones! The drum programming has actually had some care taken with it as well. So this is what makes Phallic Decapitant unique: yes, they play the retard-goregrind style that a million other bands play, but the songs AFTER the samples are actually decent.

Honestly, this stuff is cooler to see live than on record. But it’s still a lot of fun on this little CDr: the songs are short enough to be hilarious, get you headbanging, and not waste any time (that’s probably why ‘Bubblegum Groove (Instrumental)’ fails; it’s just too damned long at an epic almost-four minutes). The vocals are ridiculous and pitch-shifted, the riffs are solid as is the drum programming, and the band as a whole has enough groove and songwriting talent to move them past novelty act and into actually almost decent territory.

No, this is nothing to look at with a critical and artistic eye, because yes, it is completely retarded. But it’s the most fun retardation in the world. Really, point me to an album that’s more fun to listen to and a band that’s more fun to see live than these guys, and I’ll be amazed, because screaming ‘NEEDS MORE KEYBOARDS’ between ‘Jackass 2’ samples and blast beats is still more awesome than most black metal is ever going to be.

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~ by noktorn on September 17, 2007.

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